Emotional Roller Coaster...

"An Ugly Pair of Shoes"
I am wearing a pair of shoes. They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes. Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair. Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step. Yet, I continue to wear them. I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy. I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. They never talk about my shoes. To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them. But, once you put them on, you can never take them off. I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in the world. Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them. Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much. Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think of how much they hurt. No woman deserves to wear these shoes. Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger woman. These shoes have given me the strength to face anything. They have made me who I am. I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

~~Author Unknown

Dave and I were hoping to announce happy news about the upcoming addition to our family but on October 7, 2008 we found out that our baby was not meant to be and that we would lose him or her. It was devastating to us as we went in for a routine doctor’s appointment (we were two days away from being 12 weeks along). My doctor recommended an ultrasound (he did not suspect anything wrong with my pregnancy or with our baby) so we could get early measurements of the baby in hopes of avoiding a 3rd broken arm (2 broken arms in the family are enough)! He gave us the ultrasound forms and the “see you in 4 weeks” paperwork and we were on our way for the ultrasound. In the waiting area on the ultrasound floor I kept praying that everything would be okay with our baby (I had this bad feeling that something was wrong).

Our world came to a screeching halt as the ultrasound doctor came in and started explaining the findings of the ultrasound to us. We were crying, shocked, sadden, and in disbelief. All kinds of questions and thoughts were running through our mind. We were left alone to grieve over the life that was not to be. We then saw “my” doctor who confirmed the ultrasound findings and gave us 3 options: schedule a D & C surgery, use medication to speed along the miscarriage, or wait and let it happen naturally. I (we) decided to wait and let it happen naturally for a variety of reasons. The surgery seemed so invasive and not natural (I (we) understood that surgery may be medically necessary if there was too much blood loss or if infection, etc. occurred), medication did not seem like the right choice to push things along as my brother’s wedding was taking place in 3 days and I was going to be gone for mandatory training for work the next week. So letting it happen naturally was the best choice for me (us); although, we realized that the miscarriage could take place at any time we were okay with our choice.

Prior to my doctor’s appointment my biggest dilemma was trying to figure out a way to tell my family about our upcoming bundle of joy and not steal my sister-in-law’s day (it was her wedding day and every bride deserves her “day”) or figure out a way where I would not be put in the position of having to accept or decline an alcoholic drink (as a bridesmaid having at least one drink comes with the role that you play & in my family if you pass up a drink everyone assumes you are pregnant). I spent that weekend instead answering the hard questions from family and friends as to if we were going to have any more children, how many would we like to have, and when were we going to try again, etc. It was very tough to not break down that entire weekend as we were still coming to terms with the news. It was also very tough to hold it together when I was asked these questions and listening to others talk about their joy of being in the motherly way; all the while holding back our sorrow.

On November 4, 2008, we saw my doctor again as I had not had the miscarriage yet (4 weeks of waiting). He confirmed through another ultrasound that my pregnancy was a non-viable pregnancy (we asked for reassurance as we had no signs/symptoms of miscarriage after 4 weeks of waiting) and that miscarriage was inevitable. Due to the risk of infection we had the choice of medication or surgery. I (we) chose the medicine option. That evening I suffered the miscarriage.

We are still grieving, healing, and attempting to move on since I have had the miscarriage but feel time, thoughts, and prayers will help us heal. I will always remember our child that we lost and wonder if our baby would have been a boy or girl, have blue eyes, whether or not he or she would have been blonde or brunette, etc. Even though we lost our baby early on we are still grieving a loss and all the emotions that come with losing someone that you love and care about. If you have any prayers to spare my family and I could really use them.

***FYI---I did not write the poem above.